How to Stop the Déjà Vu in Your Love Life

What does deja vu mean? Déjà vu is the feeling you get that you’ve been in a particular situation before. For example, when a relationship ends, you may have a sense of déjà vu and wonder why you always find yourself alone again. Or you keep ending up with cheaters. When you find out about the cheating partner, you might get that creepy-crawly feeling of deja vu.

Even if you aren’t aware of that particular feeling during dating, you might be finding yourself in situations where you keep repeating the same negative patterns in your dating life. If your love life doesn’t seem to be improving, or if you have the same kind of dating problems over and over again, it may be time to identify the patterns in your love life and figure out what to do about them.

Whether it’s always dating the same man with a different face, or making the same mistakes with your behavior during dating, knowing your patterns and blind spots can help you figure out the issues you need to address. Women who want to improve their love lives should follow these guidelines and steps to stop deja vu and find Mr. Right.

Do any of these patterns sound familiar? A lot of women find that addressing these particular issues can significantly improve their love lives. Some of these scenarios and what they can mean for your love life are covered in more detail in the book, How to Be Your Own Brand of Sexy.

1. Putting his feelings ahead of yours. For example, you tend to rationalize his behavior and bottle up your own needs and feelings. You might find yourself always saying, “I don’t like how he’s treating me lately, but I need to give him some space.” Or how about, “He yelled at me because he’s just really stressed out at work.”
2. Attraction to unavailable men. Do you find yourself thinking, “The only guys who aren’t commitment-phobic are really boring?” Then you might have issues with being attracted to guys who can’t give you what you want for your love life.
3. Going for superficial attributes rather than any real connection. Does this sound familiar, “Who cares if our conversations aren’t great? He’s hot, and he’s successful too!”
4. Staying in bad relationships to avoid being alone. Do you find yourself thinking, “He’s sarcastic and a little mean to me. But at least I have someone to go out with on Saturday nights.”
5. Ignoring your gut feelings, even when they’re screaming at you to GET OUT. Example: “I’m not ready to sleep with him yet. But if I don’t, he’ll just sleep with someone else, so what’s the big deal?”

It’s also possible that people’s behavior in dating prevents them from improving their love lives. Your conduct in dating could be sending a different message than the one you intend to send your dates. Check these out:

• Do you want a monogamous relationship, but only go out with commitment-phobic guys? You’re sending a loud and clear message that you’re okay with only being a “date” and nothing more.
• Do you prefer a man to make the first move, but end up taking the initiative because you’re afraid he won’t? You’re telling him you’re okay with him being passive.
• Do you like compliments and romantic gestures, but date guys who are critical or unromantic? You won’t get what you want from someone who can’t offer it.
• Do you say you want a guy who’s ready to settle down, but part of you thinks those guys are less interesting than the “players”? Excitement is for skydiving and the movies - not for finding someone to share your life with.

These are tough questions to ask yourself. It’s a hard thing to face when familiar habits sabotage our goals. But, if you said “yes” to any of these questions, chances are your behavior is sending out a (subconscious) message that you don’t feel you deserve the kind of treatment you want. Sometimes we’re not even aware of the patterns we keep repeating. But, if we look back on our dating history, the evidence is often right there. That deja vu feeling can tell you when a clue to self-sabotaging behaviors or patterns is rearing its ugly head.

It isn’t always easy to see whether patterns apply to us. Let’s face it—we aren’t great at being objective about ourselves. This is true for the entire human race, so don’t get down on yourself! The younger you are, the less experience you may have to see those patterns and to appreciate the benefits of commitment and self-protection. But, if you’re not getting what you want out of dating and relationships, it can be extremely helpful to look for patterns in your dating history. Then you can learn how to change what you’re doing, so you have a better chance of getting what you want.

You can’t change something that isn’t working until you admit you have a problem, so this is the place to start. Be honest with yourself, even if it doesn’t feel very good to face what isn’t working and how you might be contributing to the problem. Find out more about common mistakes that women make with a new man in my FREE report, the 7 Common Mistakes Women Make.

What are you doing that isn’t working for you? Do you have any ideas about what you’re going to do to start to change it? Leave us a comment below.